I thought I was losing my mind!
It started last Friday.
I was and have been feeling very frustrated job hunting, getting nothing back from job applications, not even a polite email to say not interested. This left me feeling useless, nothing, a nobody, who would employ a mum of two who hasnt worked for six years, no one it seems. I check my inbox every five minutes and pounce on my phone when it rings, just in case it might be a possible future employer calling about a possible interview.
It's not as though I haven't been trying, I've applied for every job going from admin work, hotel work, retail work through to real estate positions (my passion). But nothing nada!
I feel as though I've been stuck at home since Christmas going out of my mind. I'm trying to keep the kids busy by day trips, swimming, beach days, picnics, park trips and on rainy days drawing, writing and film days with popcorn (of course).
All was going swimmingly (I thought) until last Friday. It was a lousy day, weather wise, so we were more or less housebound. i was keeping the kids entertained as much as I could with a bored out of his brain 5 year old eager to start kindy and a teething 18 month old. As I type I'm getting requests from the 5 year old about his next activity.
It was all going well until around 3pm I think I broke! The baby was crying again from the 5 year old being too rough and again not listening to me. So there she was crying at the top of her lungs and the 5 year old proclaimed AGAIN 'mum, I'm hungry', I saw red, I was shaking, all I could think of was, get yourself to the bathroom NOW!
This is where the pieces fell apart. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, sort of chanting, it was horrible to say the least. I counted to ten, then counted to ten again. But the kids were still crying and whining for food even though they'd just had snack time. So I counted to ten a third time and tried to hold myself together enough to walk to the pantry. I grabbed everything in site and sat the, kids in front of the tv while I slowly broke apart in another room.
There I was chanting again, crying, shaking, I didn't know who to ring, too early for UK calls, and didn't feel I had any real close friends here to open up to. So I dialed my husbands number. I really feel for him now looking back. I called and broke down in words (although he couldn't understand me), he later told me he first thought something had happened to one of the kids, I was that delirious.
He tried to calm me down as best he could, told me to breathe, I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe properly. It took me a while to get my breathing back to normal. He dropped everything at work and said he was coming home. I don't know what I'd do without him!
Since this episode I've felt much better although not quite myself, still a little down, but trying very very hard not to get back to that place.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Thursday, 26 January 2012
My Reach Out To Hubby
My heartfelt reach out email to my husband. I cried as I typed! Sorry for spelling, grammar and rawness but it helped getting it written down and I felt it may help some other mums out there who may sometimes feel lonely!
When you're at work and I text or ring you with a problem or when I'm having a bad day or the kids are playing up you always reply with something that translates and sounds like 'I don't care' even though you should because they are you're kids as well. But when you discuss work I listen, I respond, I come up with solutions, it's called a conversation, I'm showing you I'm listening and I'm responding!
I am always in this house alone with these 2 kids 5 days a week and when you're home at night or weekends we always seem to stay at home within the same walls as ive been in all week. You let things go that I've tried all week to instill in the kids, especially H! At nights and weekends it always seems to be you 2 against me and you always side with the 5 year old! This has always been the case and is always why we argue, but still you don't change it.
We need to stand together with discipline. Fair enough last night was harsh, I shouldnt have pushed H's chair in. But he wasn't listening to me, he hadnt been all day. But you never once told him off. Weekends should also be a break for me but they are double the work because you make it harder for me. I've said sorry to him today and explained why, he seems to understand where you never do. I'm not proud of what I did but I'm doing all this parenting alone and it just gets on top of me sometimes.
Last night along the beach I couldn't stop crying. I seem to fuck everything up. No one stays in my life other than you and the kids, look at what my mum and brother think of me? Look how my dads never been there! I must be doing something wrong! I'm just very lonely, whatever I do I always get back to this place.
You make me feel like I'm a shit person and a shit parent although who's always home, who takes the kids to the doctors, to the dentist, for injections, to school, who finds the school?
It took an argument last night for me to be able to walk out to have a bit of time to myself but all I did was cry! Every time you walk out this door, you get to be alone, you get to think, you get to drive and listen to the radio, you get a lunch break! I get none of these! So cut me a bit of slack, it's hard doing this alone! I honestly have no one!
When you're at work and I text or ring you with a problem or when I'm having a bad day or the kids are playing up you always reply with something that translates and sounds like 'I don't care' even though you should because they are you're kids as well. But when you discuss work I listen, I respond, I come up with solutions, it's called a conversation, I'm showing you I'm listening and I'm responding!
I am always in this house alone with these 2 kids 5 days a week and when you're home at night or weekends we always seem to stay at home within the same walls as ive been in all week. You let things go that I've tried all week to instill in the kids, especially H! At nights and weekends it always seems to be you 2 against me and you always side with the 5 year old! This has always been the case and is always why we argue, but still you don't change it.
We need to stand together with discipline. Fair enough last night was harsh, I shouldnt have pushed H's chair in. But he wasn't listening to me, he hadnt been all day. But you never once told him off. Weekends should also be a break for me but they are double the work because you make it harder for me. I've said sorry to him today and explained why, he seems to understand where you never do. I'm not proud of what I did but I'm doing all this parenting alone and it just gets on top of me sometimes.
Last night along the beach I couldn't stop crying. I seem to fuck everything up. No one stays in my life other than you and the kids, look at what my mum and brother think of me? Look how my dads never been there! I must be doing something wrong! I'm just very lonely, whatever I do I always get back to this place.
You make me feel like I'm a shit person and a shit parent although who's always home, who takes the kids to the doctors, to the dentist, for injections, to school, who finds the school?
It took an argument last night for me to be able to walk out to have a bit of time to myself but all I did was cry! Every time you walk out this door, you get to be alone, you get to think, you get to drive and listen to the radio, you get a lunch break! I get none of these! So cut me a bit of slack, it's hard doing this alone! I honestly have no one!
Monday, 16 January 2012
Returning To Work
I have decided and told you all about my desire, my determination to return to the workforce. I have this passion to work in real estate and fascinated by shows like Selling Houses Australia, Relocation, Relocation and such. I have this burning desire to become a Personal Realtor and I will get there, slowly but surely I will get there!
It's not all plain sailing though, it's filled my head with insecurities, it's shown me I have no patience, Ive had a lot of knock backs, emails saying thanks for your application but no thanks!
I don't know what it may be why I'm getting these knock backs, all these NO emails. I honestly think its because I have not worked for 6 years. I have been and still am a SAHM (stay at home mum) wanting to return to work. It's the huge gap in my CV that is putting prospective employers off.
This gap cannot be changed though and I have wholeheartedly enjoyed, laughed, cried, been angry, been down, been uplifted etc etc. All the experiences I've had within those years have made me who I am today and I wouldn't have changed a second of it!
I know I will get there, I will be employed this year, I've just got to be more patient. All good things come to those who believe in themselves, who channel all things positive.
Once I am employed I will no longer be a pushover, be the one who doesn't get noticed, the shy one, I am no longer the girl who suffered silently in the corner of a stuffy office. I am a mother, I am now determined, I get things that need to be done, done!
It's not all plain sailing though, it's filled my head with insecurities, it's shown me I have no patience, Ive had a lot of knock backs, emails saying thanks for your application but no thanks!
I don't know what it may be why I'm getting these knock backs, all these NO emails. I honestly think its because I have not worked for 6 years. I have been and still am a SAHM (stay at home mum) wanting to return to work. It's the huge gap in my CV that is putting prospective employers off.
This gap cannot be changed though and I have wholeheartedly enjoyed, laughed, cried, been angry, been down, been uplifted etc etc. All the experiences I've had within those years have made me who I am today and I wouldn't have changed a second of it!
I know I will get there, I will be employed this year, I've just got to be more patient. All good things come to those who believe in themselves, who channel all things positive.
Once I am employed I will no longer be a pushover, be the one who doesn't get noticed, the shy one, I am no longer the girl who suffered silently in the corner of a stuffy office. I am a mother, I am now determined, I get things that need to be done, done!
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Getting Back To My Yes Place
I admit it I have a lot of image noise. I am too worried about what others think, be it friends or family, the latter being the case!
When we see our family, they have travelled thousands of miles for the privelege and stay with us, in our home, for a 2 to 3 week period. I very much appreciate that they have come so far and spent so much to get here and love every minute of them being here with us as I do miss them all year through!
For weeks before their intended arrival though I completely torture myself getting the house ready, to my clean standards whilst juggling two whirlwinds that are my children!
I shop for their favorite foods, make sure there is fine wine at hand, plenty of 'Aussie' cliches they expect from bbq's to planning beach days. To which they are appreciative and mostly enjoy, although sometimes its so hard to tell. They seem to always arrive from a place of no and I spend the whole time they are here trying to make them happy, to smile, be themselves and chill the hell out!
I have now come to the conclusion that you can't make people come from the same place you are coming from, it's just ridiculous to think that you can. Frankly, once they have boarded that plane back to the UK I am suddenly left coming from a place of no!
It takes me a while to get back to the real me. I am left feeling I am on the wrong path and start rethinking my decisions. This last time I was left feeling what will my in laws think about my return to work, will I be abandoning my babies? How can I be so selfish? I considered a rethink from my real estate career to something more fitting like looking for a job in child care.
It wasn't until I picked up my book, Bethenny Frankels, A Place of Yes, that I was reminded why I actually started my online course, I want something for me, I want to achieve something, I want to return to the workforce and I want to bring home a salary. It took me a while to get back into my, I can do anything frame of mind, whilst still looking after, cooking for, reading to, bathing and loving my children. I can do it all, nobody has to suffer, no children will be abandoned!
I am back on the journey to 'My place of Yes'!
When we see our family, they have travelled thousands of miles for the privelege and stay with us, in our home, for a 2 to 3 week period. I very much appreciate that they have come so far and spent so much to get here and love every minute of them being here with us as I do miss them all year through!
For weeks before their intended arrival though I completely torture myself getting the house ready, to my clean standards whilst juggling two whirlwinds that are my children!
I shop for their favorite foods, make sure there is fine wine at hand, plenty of 'Aussie' cliches they expect from bbq's to planning beach days. To which they are appreciative and mostly enjoy, although sometimes its so hard to tell. They seem to always arrive from a place of no and I spend the whole time they are here trying to make them happy, to smile, be themselves and chill the hell out!
I have now come to the conclusion that you can't make people come from the same place you are coming from, it's just ridiculous to think that you can. Frankly, once they have boarded that plane back to the UK I am suddenly left coming from a place of no!
It takes me a while to get back to the real me. I am left feeling I am on the wrong path and start rethinking my decisions. This last time I was left feeling what will my in laws think about my return to work, will I be abandoning my babies? How can I be so selfish? I considered a rethink from my real estate career to something more fitting like looking for a job in child care.
It wasn't until I picked up my book, Bethenny Frankels, A Place of Yes, that I was reminded why I actually started my online course, I want something for me, I want to achieve something, I want to return to the workforce and I want to bring home a salary. It took me a while to get back into my, I can do anything frame of mind, whilst still looking after, cooking for, reading to, bathing and loving my children. I can do it all, nobody has to suffer, no children will be abandoned!
I am back on the journey to 'My place of Yes'!
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