My Panic Attack

I thought I was losing my mind!

It started last Friday.  

I was and have been feeling very frustrated job hunting, getting nothing back from job applications, not even a polite email to say not interested.  This left me feeling useless, nothing, a nobody, who would employ a mum of two who hasnt worked for six years, no one it seems.  I check my inbox every five minutes and pounce on my phone when it rings, just in case it might be a possible future employer calling about a possible interview.

It's not as though I haven't been trying, I've applied for every job going from admin work, hotel work, retail work through to real estate positions (my passion). But nothing nada!

I feel as though I've been stuck at home since Christmas going out of my mind.  I'm trying to keep the kids busy by day trips, swimming, beach days, picnics, park trips and on rainy days drawing, writing and film days with popcorn (of course).

All was going swimmingly (I thought) until last Friday.  It was a lousy day, weather wise, so we were more or less housebound.  i was keeping the kids entertained as much as I could with a bored out of his brain 5 year old eager to start kindy and a teething 18 month old.  As I type I'm getting requests from the 5 year old about his next activity.  

It was all going well until around 3pm I think I broke!  The baby was crying again from the 5 year old being too rough and again not listening to me.  So there she was crying at the top of her lungs and the 5 year old proclaimed AGAIN 'mum, I'm hungry',  I saw red, I was shaking, all I could think of was, get yourself to the bathroom NOW!  

This is where the pieces fell apart.  I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, sort of chanting, it was horrible to say the least.  I counted to ten, then counted to ten again.  But the kids were still crying and whining for food even though they'd just had snack time.  So I counted to ten a third time and tried to hold myself together enough to walk to the pantry.  I grabbed everything in site and sat the, kids in front of the tv while I slowly broke apart in another room.

There I was chanting again, crying, shaking, I didn't know who to ring, too early for UK calls, and didn't feel I had any real close friends here to open up to.  So I dialed my husbands number.  I really feel for him now looking back.  I called and broke down in words (although he couldn't understand me), he later told me he first thought something had happened to one of the kids, I was that delirious.

He tried to calm me down as best he could, told me to breathe, I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe properly.  It took me a while to get my breathing back to normal.  He dropped everything at work and said he was coming home.  I don't know what I'd do without him!

Since this episode I've felt much better although not quite myself, still a little down, but trying very very hard not to get back to that place.