My Reach Out To Hubby

My heartfelt reach out email to my husband. I cried as I typed! Sorry for spelling, grammar and rawness but it helped getting it written down and I felt it may help some other mums out there who may sometimes feel lonely!

When you're at work and I text or ring you with a problem or when I'm having a bad day or the kids are playing up you always reply with something that translates and sounds like 'I don't care' even though you should because they are you're kids as well.  But when you discuss work I listen, I respond, I come up with solutions, it's called a conversation, I'm showing you I'm listening and I'm responding!

I am always in this house alone with these 2 kids 5 days a week and when you're home at night or weekends we always seem to stay at home within the same walls as ive been in all week.  You let things go that I've tried all week to instill in the kids, especially H!  At nights and weekends it always seems to be you 2 against me and you always side with the 5 year old!  This has always been the case and is always why we argue, but still you don't change it. 

 We need to stand together with discipline.  Fair enough last night was harsh, I shouldnt have pushed H's chair in.  But he wasn't listening to me, he hadnt been all day.  But you never once told him off.  Weekends should also be a break for me but they are double the work because you make it harder for me.  I've said sorry to him today and explained why, he seems to understand where you never do.  I'm not proud of what I did but I'm doing all this parenting alone and it just gets on top of me sometimes.

Last night along the beach I couldn't stop crying.  I seem to fuck everything up. No one stays in my life other than you and the kids, look at what my mum and brother think of me?  Look how my dads never been there!  I must be doing something wrong!  I'm just very lonely, whatever I do I always get back to this place.

You make me feel like I'm a shit person and a shit parent although who's always home, who takes the kids to the doctors, to the dentist, for injections, to school, who finds the school?  

It took an argument last night for me to be able to walk out to have a bit of time to myself but all I did was cry!  Every time you walk out this door, you get to be alone, you get to think, you get to drive and listen to the radio, you get a lunch break!  I get none of these!  So cut me a bit of slack, it's hard doing this alone!  I honestly have no one!